arthurcorgi

Theodore

This column is about Ted.  He was a one-eyed gray cat that used to live with us.  He ran away, and it broke the boss' two-timing heart.

Ted was born in a turkey box, because his mother was a homeless, free-loading tramp that the boss said could eat, sleep and play at our house.  She played, all right.  Three kittens later ...

Ted's brother was Seamus.  We called him that because he could not help himself from snooping into everything including the upright freezer which he got shut in.  Good thing Miss Manager decided to add more blueberries to the cake she was baking, or Seamus would have been a catsicle.  Total dope.

Ted caught a cold when he was a kitten.  His mother moved him around, because she did not trust yours truly, and so she took him outside, only it was cold.  So Ted got an eye problem from the cold, and he had to have surgery.  The doctor operated on him, and Ted came back with only one eye.

Everybody at the doctor's office wanted to adopt him.  He had "personality." Well, we spent a lot of money on this Ted, so, naturally, we wanted to get our money's worth.  He learned how to catch mice and play with a spool of thread from the sewing machine.  When the boss was sewing.

He never got in trouble or got yelled at.  "Teddy Bear, my Sweetie Pie. "  "Come here, Ted.  I have a filet mignon for you."  "Ted, would you like to sleep on the pillow?  Is it soft enough for you, Ted?"

This went on for quite some time.  We named him Teddy Bear because management said that there were a lot of real good teddy bears with only one eye.  This is the type of discussion the people around here have.  And I have a business to run.

He was homely, just plain gray, not one stripe or spot anywhere except a splotch of white on his stomach which you could not see unless he was sprawled out somewhere snoring, and his tail curled up like a question mark - as if he would know.  He would not get even one point in a cat show, yet to hear some people, you would think he was Leo the Lion himself.

Ted ran away and did not come back.  Maybe he joined the navy or something. 

Cute

I have written before about the cat problem.  But it is still a problem.  So I need to write another column. 

Some teen aged biped sent a video to this guy Chris.  It is of her cat, Donut. 

I am a very big fan of chocolate cake donuts with chocolate frosting.  Also glazed  coffee rolls with a cappuccino - whole milk, not skim -  and sugar.  And chocolate sprinkled on the top.  In a bowl like you are supposed to drink it, not a stupid mug made in China. 

Donut is stupider than most of the cats I have personally known.  Tomorrow I will write a column about Ted, our one-eyed gray cat.  Management loved him even more than me, if such a thing is possible. Maybe she loves me a little bit more.  You cannot blame her.

You must review this video for yourself.  It is the liberal media at work.  Donut should get a job at a barn or a landfill.  Instead the liberals tell her she is no good for Hollywood.  She will probably go on welfare because of it.  W-o-r-k.  That is what made America great.  Not kitten videos.

Bad dog

Once again, spies are copying my ideas.  However, the boss is going to send in my picture for next year's calendar.  I should be on the cover.

I am an original - unlike this fake mutt. 

Crack

This is for all the liars who say that Barney's father was a drug user.  First of all, I say it takes one to know one.  How do you know he was using drugs unless you were too?  So we should believe you? 

Second of all, rich people from Texas ride around their ranch all day, and then they eat barbeque.  They do not smoke crack.  The only smoking they do is on a mesquite grill.

Barney's ranch is called Prairie Chapel.  It is 1583 acres.  I suppose that is a magic number or something.

It is not very nice to make fun of someone when he says, "Because the - all which is on the table begins to address the drivers," and things like that and then say it is because he is on drugs that his brain cannot get the words out of his mouth to make sense.

I thought all you liberals liked the disabled.